"The Honest Wife"
A man who was driving a car with his wife was stopped by a police officer. The following exchange took place.
The man says, "What's the problem, officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gave his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight. "
Man: "Broken taillight? I didn't know about a broken taillight!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that taillight for weeks." (The man gave his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
The man turned to his wife and yelled, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
The officer turned to the woman and asked, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife said, "No, only when he's drunk."


"Sisters of Mercy"
A man was driving down a deserted highway when he noticed a sign that read: "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION -- 10 MILES."
Thinking it was a figment of his imagination, he drove on. Soon, he saw another sign which said: "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - - 5 MILES."
Realizing these signs were for real, he drove on, and sure enough, there was a third: "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION -- NEXT RIGHT."
His curiosity got the best of him, and he pulled into the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot was a somber, stone building with a sign on the door that read: "SISTERS OF MERCY."
He climbed the steps, rang the bell, and the door was answered by a nun in a long black habit. She smiled and asked, "What may we do for you, my son?"
"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me," said the nun. He was led through many winding passages, and soon he was very disoriented. The nun stopped at a closed door and told the man, "Please, knock on this door," and left.
The man did as he was told, and this door was opened by another nun in a long, black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructed him: "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He placed the money in this nun's tin cup. He ran eagerly down the hallway, and slipped through the door, pulling it shut. As the door locked behind him, he found himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: "Go in peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy."



"Parenting 101: How to Teach a Kid a Lesson"

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "What is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course I would! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!"

The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potential and realistic?"

The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on two million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts."



"Penguin Sundae"
A penguin was driving through Arizona on a hot, summer Sunday when he noticed his oil light was on. He got out of the car and, sure enough, it was leaking oil all over the road.
The penguin drove around the corner to a service station and asked the mechanic to take a look at it. The mechanic said he had a few others to look at first but if he came back in an hour he could tell the penguin what was wrong with his car. The penguin agreed and went for a walk.
He found an ice-cream shop and thought a big bowl of vanilla ice cream would really hit the spot, since he was a penguin and it was Arizona in the summer, after all. He sat down at the counter and started in on his ice cream. Of course he had no hands so it was rather messy. By the time he was done he had ice cream all over his flippers, and his mouth was a total mess.
He walked back to the service station and said to the mechanic, "Did you find out what is wrong with my car?"
The mechanic replied, "It looks like you've blown a seal."
"No no," said the penguin. "It's just ice cream."




"The Third Wish"
A traveling salesman broke down on the bad side of town one evening after a long day of door-to-door sales. After calling AAA from a payphone, he decided to wait in for the tow truck in a nearby bar.
He sat down on a bar stool in the corner of the bar to quietly nurse his beer. Trying to mind his own business, he was shocked to look across the bar to find a very large, muscular sailor doing shots. While the sailor's chest and arms were huge, the salesman was shocked to notice that his head was about as big as a grapefruit. Needless to say, he couldn't help but stare.
Soon the sailor stood up from his stool and swaggered over to the salesman, who was shaking in his loafers. When he reached him, the sailor said, "I see you staring at my head over here."
"N-no," the salesman responds, "I wasn't, really, I --"
"That's okay," the sailor said and sits down next to him. "I want to tell you my story. I was out at sea last year and there was a terrible storm. My ship was sunk, and everyone drowned but me. I struggled to stay afloat and managed to swim to the shore of a deserted island. I stayed there all alone for six months, eating coconuts and crabs. One morning I was woken up by screams coming from the lagoon. Running down there, I discovered a woman struggling in the thick seaweed. I ran down to the water, ripped the seaweed from her naked body, and pulled her up to the beach. She was a mermaid! I stood gawking at her for a while, and then she thanked me, offering to grant me three wishes. My first wish was to be back home before the end of the day. She said, 'Okay.' My second wish was to have a billion dollars so I would never have to go to sea again. She said, 'Okay.' Then I scratched my head and tried to think of something else. I said, 'Well, since I don't really need anything else, how about we have some sex?' She smiled and wagged her fish tail at me. 'Silly,' she said, 'look at me. I can't have sex with you.' I laughed and said, 'Oh okay, then how about a little head?'"

"First Proctology Exam"
A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.
When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but what's the beer for?"
At that instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, nurse! I said a butt light!"



"Arizona Anniversary"
While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the "good old days."
Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?"
"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.
"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our twenty-fifth anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our fiftieth, I'll go down there and get her."



"Together at Last"
Maria was a devoted, religious girl. She got married and had 17 children. Then her husband died. She remarried two weeks later, and had 22 children by her next husband. Then he died. A while later, she died.
At the funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At least they're finally together."
A guy sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"
The priest said, "I mean her legs."



"Playing Fireman"
A fireman looked out of the firehouse window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk. He had small ladders hung on the side of his little red wagon, and a garden hose coiled up in it. He was wearing a fireman's hat. He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon. The fireman thought this was really cute, so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had. As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles. The fireman said, "Son, I don't want to tell you how to run your fire company or anything, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog's neck you would go faster."
"Maybe so," said the little boy, "but then I'd lose my siren!"


"An Honest Mistake"
A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room. The husband was standing there, pulling up his pants, and said, "I think she choked."


"The Farmer"
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting hammered. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"
The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket." "Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.
"So what happened then?" the man asked. The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left." "And then?" "Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket." Man laughed and said, "Again?"
The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So, what did you do then?" the man asked. "I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?" "Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail." "Hmmm . . . " the man said and nodded his head. "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked. "Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in . . . Some things you just can't explain."

"Smart-Ass Excuse"
A high-school English teacher reminded her class of the final exam that would be given the following day. She told the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "Not an excuse. You can write with your other hand."

To my dear wife,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
44 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too early
15 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
3 times the neighbors will hear us
22 times you had a headache
7 times you had a sunburn
9 times your mother will hear us
37 times you werent in the mood
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didnt want to mess up your new hairdo
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you said you had to get up early
16 times you promised tomorrow
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there was a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I had finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
To my dear husband,
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didnt get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didnt cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got it in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper


"One Day at the Pearly Gates"
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton both die on the same day. They both go before Saint Peter to find out if they will be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them will get in.
He asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven. She takes her top off and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect God has ever created, and I am sure it would please him to be able to see them every day for eternity."
Saint Peter thanks Dolly, and then asks Queen Elizabeth the same question. Queen Elizabeth then drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, "Okay, your majesty, you may go in."
Outraged, Dolly screams, "What in the hell was that all about? I showed you two of God's greatest creations. She performed a disgusting hygiene act, and she gets in and I don't."
"Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "but a royal flush beats a pair any day."


"The Dying Man"
A fellow went to a doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live. So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his pastor if there was anything he could do.
"What you should do is go out and buy a late '70s or early '80s model Dodge Pickup," said the pastor. "Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."
The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"
"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."



"Blond Mail Call"
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive, blond, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"



"God and the Blonde"
A blond woman named Shannon found herself in dire trouble. Her business had gone bust and she was in serious financial trouble. She was so desperate that she decided to ask God for help. She began to pray.
"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night came and somebody else won. Shannon again prayed. "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house, and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night came and Shannon still had no luck. Once again she prayed. "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Please just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens opened, and Shannon was confronted by the voice of God Himself. "Shannon, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."


"Are You a Real Cowboy?"
An old cowboy went into a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows." He then asked her what she was.
She replied, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women. When I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women! "
A little while later a couple sat down next to the old cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."


"Flashlight"
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After 15 minutes, the man finally got up and said, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight."
The woman said, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"


"Watch Out For That Tree"
A state trooper pulled a car over on a lonely back road and approached the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear-view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."


"Lotto Winner"
A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The wife says, "Wow! That's great! I'm so happy! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?"
He says, "I don't care. Just get out!"


"Got Balls?"
The Brooklyn Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were protecting. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job. Using Mafia reasoning, they figured if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picked up well over $50,000. Foolishly, he got greedy and decided to keep the money. He then stashed it in a safe place.
The Mafia soon realized that their collection money was late. The godfather sent a couple of his toughest hoods after the deaf collector. When the hoods found the deaf collector they asked him where the money was.
The deaf collector couldn't communicate with them, so the hoodlums dragged the guy to a local Brooklyn interpreter.
The Mafia hood said to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."
The interpreter signed, "Where's the money?"
The deaf man replied, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The interpreter told the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The hoodlum pulled out a .38 pistol and placed it in the ear of the deaf collector. "Now ask him where da money is."
The interpreter signed, "Where is the money?"
The deaf man signed, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate."
The interpreter turned to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about. He also says he doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger!"


"The Infant-Sized Penis"
Jim decided to propose to Sandy. But prior to her acceptance, Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts the maturity of a 12 year old's.
He stated that it was okay, because he loved her so much. However, Jim felt this was the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said, "I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant's, and I hope you can deal with that once we are married."
She said, "Yes. I will marry you and learn to live with your infant- sized penis." Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Jim rushed Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, and holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant's!"
"It is . . . 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches!"


"Ma and the Nursing Home"
A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."


"The Engineer and the Frog"
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

 

"Look Before You Leap"
A small, balding man stormed into a local bar and demanded, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got! I'm so upset I can't even see straight!"
The bartender, noticing that the little man was a bit the worse for wear, poured him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swilled down the drink and said, "Gimme another!"
The bartender poured the drink, but said, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"
So the man began his tale: "Well, I was sitting in the bar next door when this gorgeous blond sauntered in, and actually sat beside me at the bar. I thought, Wow! This has never happened before. You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later I felt this hand moving around in my lap, and the blond leaned over, licked my ear, and asked if I was interested! I couldn't believe this was happening! I managed to nod my head, so she grabbed my hand, and started walking out of the bar. So of course I went with her. This was just too good to be true! She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. As soon as she shut the door she slipped out of her dress. That was all she was wearing! I tell you it didn't take me much longer to get out of my clothes! But as soon as I jumped into the bed, I heard some keys jingling, and someone started fumbling with the door. The blond said, 'Oh my gosh, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight. He's gonna be real mad! Quick, hide!' So I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he was bound to look there too. By now I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me."
The bartender said, "Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point."
"Well, yeah, but the guy finally got the door open and he yelled out, 'Who you been sleeping with now, bitch?' The girl said, 'Nobody, honey, now come to bed and calm down.' Well, the guy started tearing up the room. I heard him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I was thinking, Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there. Then I heard him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either. Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?' I thought, Oh crap, I'm dead meat now. But the blond by now was trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I heard the guy go into the bathroom, and I heard water running for a long time, and I figured maybe he was gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden the bastard poured a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head! I mean look at this, I got second- degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"
The bartender said, "Oh man, that would have enraged me for sure."
"No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy started slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess, I can hardly hold onto this glass."
The bartender looked at the guy's hands and said, "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset."
"No, that wasn't what really ticked me off."
The bartender then asked in exasperation, "Well, what did finally tick you off?"
"Well, I was hanging there, and I turned around and looked down, and I was only about six inches off the ground!"



When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

Do You Have Vibrators 

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave Vvvibbrrratttorrsss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have vibrators. Actually we carry many models."

The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?"

The clerk responds, "Yes we do".

"Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee howwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"

 

 

 

The Rabbit

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses.

After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies.

The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.

The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"

Q: Why did the Clintons decide to name their dog Buddy?
A: Because nobody wanted to yell, "Come, Spot," out loud.

 

Sweet Talking Patrick

Paddy and Murphy are knocking back a few pints of Guinness at the local pub and in walks O'Rourke.

O'Rourke says, "did ye hear about O'Hara dyin last night?"

Paddy and Murphy, in shock, exclaim, "No! Poor O'Hara. Has anyone told his wife?" O'Rourke says, "No she hasn't been told yet, but I'll get sweet talking Patrick to tell her. He is such a sweet talker and so good with words that he can talk the fish out of the brook and the birds out of the trees."

They leave to find Patrick and as they are leaving in he walks in and says, "Good Mornin to ye all lads, a pint on me for everyone." O'Rourke tells Patrick the sad news about O'Hara dying and asks him to break the news very gently to his wife, as she doesn't yet know.

Patrick, the sweet talker says, "I will be glad to have a chat with O'Hara's wife and I'll break it so gently to her that a whimper is all she'll utter. I'm a man of words and I can charm the fish from the brook and the birds from the trees. Don't worry lads, I'll take care of this. They don't call me sweet talker for nuttin."

Well, off they all go to O'Hara's house. Patrick knocks on the door and O'Hara's wife answers and says, "Yes may I help you?" Sweet talking Patrick steps forward and at attention says, "Are you the widow O'Hara?" To which the woman responds, "My name is O'Hara but I'm not a widow."

Sweet talking Patrick braces himself and exclaims, "Shit you ain't, woman!"

 

The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this: You're a Siamese twin. Your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay and you're not. But YOU only have the one asshole.
Feel better?

 

Q: How many Irish people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five--one to hold the lightbulb, and four to drink until the room spins!

O'Flynn's Liquor Shop

Sister Mary Margaret enters O'Flynn's liquor shop. "I'd like to buy a bottle of Irish whiskey," she tells O'Flynn.

The owner of the store shakes his head and frowns. "A bottle of Irish whiskey? And you being a nun too."

"Oh no, no," Sister Mary Margaret exclaims. "It's for Father Reilly. His constipation, you know."

O'Flynn smiles, nods, and puts a bottle into a bag. Sister Mary Margaret pays, takes the bag and goes on her way.

Later that day, O'Flynn closes shop for the day. On his way home he passes an alley. There in the alley is Sister Mary Margaret. She's rip roaring drunk, the empty bottle at her side.

"Sister!" O'Flynn scolds. "And you said it was for Father Reilly's constipation."

"It is," answers Sister Mary Margaret. "When he sees me, he's gonna shit!"

 

Q: Why do lawyers wear neckties?
A: It keeps the foreskin from crawling up over their faces!

 

Anal Sex

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did.

He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said that it didn't.

The doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

The doctor replied, "Of course yes. Where do you think attorneys come from!"

 

The Italian baby

An Italian named Uncle Vito buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because he announces his wife has just produced "a typical Italian baby boy weighing 25 pounds."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of, "WOW!" were heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Italian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father, Uncle Vito, answered, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned and asks, "Why? What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth."

The Italian father, Uncle Vito, takes a slow swig from his scotch on the rocks, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans in to the bartender and proudly says, "We had his hair cut!"

 

Two condoms walk past a gay bar.
One says to the other, "Fancy going in and getting shit faced?"